I wasn't always sold on being a manager, but when the opportunity arose 6 years ago, I took a chance. It was supposed to be a good thing.
It wasn't.
A bunch of crazy circumstances led to the position being very different than I had expected. The CEO quit about a month after I took the job, and for a (long) while I didn't even know who my boss was. That's life at a startup I guess - but I was not prepared.
It was only a few weeks before every work day brought forth a feeling of impending doom. Every meeting and interaction was hard. I would get a pit in my stomach before I could even open my email. I put the blame on my own shoulders and berated myself for not being better. I needed help.
The anxiety I was feeling was completely expected. It was my number one concern with taking the job. But it had come on so much faster and harder than I anticipated.
I wasn't able to sleep. I was spending way too much time obsessing over work. I wasn't able to detach and be the dad or husband I wanted to be.
It was terrible.
Then I started to unwind the issues, beginning with my mental health. I found a therapist who taught me the methodologies outlined in the book "Feeling Great" by David Burns. That helped me see how much of the anxiety I was feeling was self imposed, and how to attack it when it tried to take over.
It also helped me see the positive in the anxiety - that it wasn't about getting rid of it, so much as dialing in the right amount. I saw the good in my anxiety and learned to appreciate it for all that it did for me.
Then I was able to work on my communication. I learned more about myself and what my natural patterns were. I read books about how to build psychological safety and be an authentic leader.
I felt better. Most of the time.
When I didn't, I had built in the guard rails to let me know that I was getting off track. I had tools to improve my mood and dial the anxiety back to where I wanted it to.
I don't know if my team felt it, but I was much more comfortable. I managed an incredible team, and we did some amazing work together. I thrived on the passion the team brought, and I felt like I was able to serve them to be the best we could be.
Was it perfect? No. Did I still feel stress? Absolutely.
Now the stress pushed me to make progress. It didn't cause me to seize up. The work made me feel fulfilled and empowered.
The key difference was that I had a knob to control the anxiety. When it was too much, I could turn it down so I could focus on the actual issues, or my family, or how to best communicate with my leadership team.
My team performed better, and so did I.
The moral of the story? As a leader, I had to take care of myself first. I had to tame my anxiety and increase my self-awareness. I had to learn how to choose my responses to situations instead of letting the circumstances choose them for me.
When I mastered those skills, the job became what I always wanted it to be.
