How to manage your anger and be a better dad

It’s important to stay calm and level-headed when you have a family to take care of, so learning how to manage your anger is an important skill for fathers to have. Not only can it help improve your relationship with your children, but it also can help you to be a better role model in their lives. Understanding the root cause of your anger, developing healthier coping mechanisms and educating your children about anger are all important steps in this process.  Ultimately, I wanted to be able to demonstrate how to use anger as a positive instead of letting it dictate how I interacted with my kids.

Tips for recognizing signs of anger

The first step in learning how to manage your anger is to recognize the signs of it in yourself. Signs can range from clenching your fists, feeling hot and flushed or tense muscles, to feelings of powerlessness, frustration and anger. If you notice any of these signs, take a few deep breaths and pause for a few moments before you go any further.

It can also be helpful to practice mindfulness techniques such as focusing on your breath or counting to ten. This can help to bring your attention back to the present moment and away from the thoughts and feelings that are causing your anger. Additionally, you can practice self-compassion and talk to yourself in a kind and understanding way. This can help to reduce the intensity of your anger and allow you to respond in a more constructive way.

Understanding the root cause of your anger

Once you’ve identified the signs of anger in yourself, it’s time to dive deeper and investigate the root causes. Common triggers include feeling overwhelmed, lack of autonomy, financial insecurity or feeling powerless in a given situation. Take some time to think about which situations may trigger you and then make a conscious effort to manage them. This could involve delegating more tasks to family members, seeking help from a financial advisor or seeking out roles that give you more control.

With my kids, I found that my anger was usually driven by a sense of needing control.  I wanted things to go a certain way, and thought since I was the parent I should get that.  Unfortunately, the kids have different ideas - or maybe no ideas at all.  I realized that it was important that I have the ability to influence my kids and have them listen, but not all situations required it.  If it was a safety concern, then I hold fast to my opinion.  If it is just something that would be more efficient, or more reasonable, I learned that just letting go wasn't nearly as big a deal as I expected it to be.

It is also important to recognize that anger can be a sign of underlying emotional issues. If you find yourself feeling angry more often than not, it may be beneficial to seek out professional help. A therapist can help you identify the root cause of your anger and provide you with strategies to manage it. Additionally, they can help you work through any underlying emotional issues that may be contributing to your anger.

Strategies for calming yourself down

Next, you’ll want to equip yourself with strategies for calming down when emotions start to flare up. This could involve things like taking deep breaths, consciously relaxing your muscles, going for a walk or run, practicing mindfulness or talking to someone you trust.

It can also be helpful to have a few go-to activities that you can do to help you relax. This could be anything from reading a book, listening to music, playing a game, or doing a craft. Having something to focus on can help to take your mind off of whatever is causing you stress and help you to relax.

Show your family that you are taking these steps as well.  That is a good way to model how to calm down and let the kids see the entire process from anger or frustration all the way back to regulated and calm.

Developing healthier coping mechanisms

Another important step in managing your anger is to develop healthier coping mechanisms. For example, if you tend to overreact or lash out when your patience wears thin, practicing the above strategies can be useful. You can also try constructive problem solving or speaking calmly, both of which can help maintain an even temper during challenging moments.

It can also be helpful to take a few moments to pause and reflect before responding to a situation. Taking a few deep breaths can help you to gain perspective and think more clearly. Additionally, engaging in physical activity or other forms of self-care can be a great way to manage your emotions and reduce stress.  For me, I know that anger and lack of patience are clear signs I could use more sleep and more down time.  

Setting boundaries to protect yourself and your children

In order to ensure your children feel safe and supported, setting boundaries is essential. Consider areas such as who has access to the house and when, curfew for teens, language used in the home and other rules that both maintain safety and respect. If faced with challenging behavior from your kids, appoint a designated family mediator who can encourage conversation and resolution. This person can help you reach an understanding that is beneficial for everyone involved.

It is important to remember that boundaries are not meant to be punitive, but rather to provide structure and guidance. When setting boundaries, be sure to explain why they are important and how they will help your children. Additionally, be sure to provide positive reinforcement when your children follow the boundaries. This will help them understand that following the rules is beneficial and will encourage them to continue to do so.

Practicing mindfulness and self-care to reduce stress

As fathers are often the main breadwinners and expected to take on a lot of responsibility, it can make them more prone to anger outbursts. Taking time out now and then to practice mindfulness, get some exercise or do something that you enjoy can go a long way towards reducing your overall stress levels and helping you maintain a calmer demeanor.

It is important to remember that self-care is not selfish. Taking time out for yourself can help you to be a better father, partner, and friend. It can also help you to be more productive and creative in your work. So, make sure to take some time out of your day to practice mindfulness, get some exercise, or do something that you enjoy.

Dealing with difficult emotions in a constructive manner

When faced with difficult emotions such as sadness or fear that can quickly escalate into anger, it’s important to recognize them and deal with them in a constructive manner. Try writing your feelings down in a journal, talking to a friend or taking up a calming activity such as yoga or meditation. This can help you process difficult emotions in a healthy way and prevent them from bubbling over into anger.

It can also be helpful to practice mindful breathing exercises. Taking a few moments to focus on your breath can help to ground you and bring you back to the present moment. This can help to reduce the intensity of your emotions and give you the space to think more clearly about how to respond.

Taking responsibility for your actions

Finally, take ownership for your actions when needed and avoid making excuses or shifting blame onto others. Acknowledging mistakes and taking responsibility can be hard at first, but it can go a long way towards strengthening relationships and improving communication within the family home.

It is important to remember that taking responsibility for your actions does not mean that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong. Instead, it is about recognizing when you have made a mistake and being willing to take ownership of it. This can help to build trust and respect between family members, and can help to create a more harmonious home environment.  Modeling the ability to admit you are wrong and then moving on is a really important lesson for kids to see in action.

Teaching your children about anger management

Our children learn a lot from us, and teaching them how to safely manage their anger is an important skill. Make sure they understand that anger is a normal emotion and that it’s okay to express it in appropriate ways. Encourage them to express their feelings productively by having verbal conversations or engaging in physical activities like kicking a ball around. Regularly reminding them of these strategies can reinforce them over time, so they’re more likely to turn to them when they start feeling angry.

It's also important to model healthy anger management yourself. Show your children how to take a few deep breaths when they're feeling angry, and explain to them why it's important to take a step back and think before they act. Additionally, it's important to be patient and understanding when your children are feeling angry, and to help them find ways to express their feelings in a constructive way.